So Mike told me about this site called
textsfromlastnight.com, which turns out to be a hilarious site. I have taken time out of my busy day, pushed the loads of work I have to do aside, all to post my favorites from this hidden gem of a website. Enjoy, fuckers.
(214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...
(850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
(773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream
(570): So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
(330): I don't know you.
(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
(636): Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
(310): he wants to bone in the snuggie
(972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.(214): so how much did i say i owed you?
(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.
(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
(301): i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
(810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
(616): What?!?
(810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
(302): it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
(612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
(651): who is this?
(612): jesse's little brother
(209): yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
(404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal
(508): I'm so horny!
(781): I'm so hungry
(508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
(781): For your pussy...
(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
(513): A man dyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline
terrified
(403): she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
(803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
(636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
(1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown!
(843): Nice meating you last night
(843): Not a typo
(352): So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yea! that took a good hour and a half out of my day. there are many more to read, but I want to switch and read the MB for a while.
stay thirsty, my friends.
